The Evil Pond Weed

I’ve always found it easier to talk in the dark. I don’t know why, perhaps it’s because people see my face. Beth and I sat on the scabby sofa in Ray’s flat. She suggested we turn the lights out and wait for Ray and Mike. I think she wanted the advantage of surprise, plus we wouldn’t have to look at the décor whilst we waited. It was late and dark.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Go for your life.” She said with some resignation.

“We’re sat in the flat of perhaps the only man in town who would have the balls, the guts and the stupidity to dump a tractor load of fertilizer on a golf professional actually inside a charity ball. That person, let’s call him Ray, is your on and off boyfriend…”

“More off than on.”

“Yes but I wonder if those two things could be linked?”

“It was kinda sweet dontcha think?”

“So you and Bamber?”

“Yes me and Bamber, plus Trudie and Bamber; it’s complicated.”

Muffled voices and the jangling of keys interrupted us and was followed by the sounds of footsteps up the stairs to Ray’s flat. He was struggling to get the key in the lock. Eventually we heard the words “Fuck it” from the other side and two heavy kicks resolved the situation. The door burst open and slammed against the wall and every Athena poster Ray owned rattled in it’s own dust. I heard Mike mumbled miserably about his Rizzlas being wet. Ray flicked the light switch. Beth swooped.

“Evening boys.” Ray and Mike grabbed each other like Shaggy and Scooby.

“For fuck’s sake.” Ray screamed. They let go of each other and we noticed that they were soaked, head to toe. Mike had about half a pound of pond weed in his straggles. Puddles were forming around them. Beth and I started to snigger. “Don’t you dare. This is all your fucking fault anyways.” Beth stopped sniggering but continued to smile.

“Is this a jealousy thing Ray? Because as sweet as it is, don’t you think that your little fertilizer stunt was just a teensy weensy bit over the top?”

“It’s not like I wasn’t trying to impress you or anything.”

“Nothing to do with me.” Mike held his hands up.

“It never is, is it Mike?” Beth was still on the offensive but it was my turn.

“So let me guess, in your desperate attempt to avoid the Country Club security, you ran across the golf course and straight into the lake on the fourteenth?”

“Something like that.”

“Well you almost provided us with a spectacular diversion.”

“Almost? They don’t get much better.”

I explained that Beth and I had seized the opportunity to slip up the back stairs towards the offices. The stairs were lined with deep carpets and mahogany panelling. You got the sense that you were either about to enter a seventies snooker club. We’d only managed to get to the landing when we came across Laverne and Shirley, the Club security standing like two bruised and angry bulldogs fresh from their beating at the gym at the hands of Billy. Despite the sizeable commotion downstairs, they hadn’t budged. We backed away slowly and left the party in a hurry.

“It’s a good job we fell in that pond anyway.” Mike said.

“Why?”

“How would we have found this otherwise?” Mike grinned and reached outside into the hallway threw the object down onto Ray’s floor at our feet. “He hey!”

“For Christ sakes.” Beth was momentarily disgusted but my eyes widened. At our feet was a life-sized female sex doll.

“It’s not one of them cheap ones either, these things cost thousands. You have to import them from the States.” Once more Mike’s invaluable knowledge of pornography had enlightened us. “God know what they’ve done to it’s hair though.” On its head, a purple wig had been crudely glued. Beth went to kick the doll away.

“Trudie’s alive.” Everyone stopped and turned to look at me.

“What?” Beth said.

“This is what I must have seen from the bridge, not Trudie. Trudie’s alive.”