1. I feel like I've been dragged through a hedge backwards tied to a burning log and then wanged (it's a verb check it), by trebuchet into a bed of stinging nettles and lego. If you can picture me, I am sat at my desk in my office resembling Bruce Willis in Die Hard after all the bad stuff happens. I don't think Vanish Oxy is gonna get these stains out of my vest.
2. £4157 duly received from Billy Hill bookmaker and turf accountant. Ascot is not just about stupid hats and Pimms. What should I do with my new found wealth? I fancied getting loaded and putting the rest in the bank.
2. Ray my accountant had other ideas. He said Do you want to come on a course? -
What kind of course Ray? - It's nothing just a bunch of guys sitting round having a laugh - Okay so long as it's nothing like the fishing trip - that was three weeks well spent in a Spanish prison is not good for your soul or your back.
3. So I arrange to meet Ray on friday evening. He pulls up in a 1973 lowered VW camper van. Nice van Ray. Who's is it? - I borrowed it. In retrovisuer why did I ignore this? After driving into town we stop at a small community hall that you'd think was used by rats as a porno set, but we go in. It's surprisingly light, bright and full of white middle class people in loafers and check shirts. There is a copy of the Daily Mail on an orange plastic chair and my hackles go up. I look at Ray. Don't worry Phrog these people are OK. he makes an O gesture with his thumb and forefinger and winks madly at me. I don't get it.
4. I've been sat in a group session for about four minutes before the G word is mentioned. I should say here that Ray is a recovering dope fiend. I'm thinking this is all for Ray's benefit and if called to I'll stand up and say some made up shit about how the 12 steps helped me. But the G-word and the lurve word just keep coming and I decide I'm not listening anymore. The group leader Troy, a smug fucker in worn courdroy and a golf jumper; believe me, Ned Flanders has nothing on this guy; asks me if I'd like to say anything about myself or why I'm here. The entire group by this time had revealed at least one innermost weakness, apart from myself who's said nothing. On the whole I'd say that the group was composed of several failed corporate washouts, a domestic abuser, a few sex addicts, two dope fiends including Ray and at least one psychotic. I should have known better being a psychologist.
5. I couldn't tell if Ray was pleased or disgusted when I threw the £4000 onto the floor in the ring and proclaimed "Let's get fucked up. It's on me, the vans outside, who's coming?" I was halfway to the door when I felt a tap on the shoulder. It was Ray and I felt uneasy. Phrogman he said, can we get some hookers?
6. I had no idea where we were going to party. Food and beer is cheap even for 8 and £4000 goes a long, long way. If you've ever been to St.Pierre hotel and country club you'll know they have whole chalets by the lake you can rent for the weekend. If you know the right people you can rent a whole lot more. Who'd have thought a golf buggy would float? Ray was nervous but I wasn't sure if he was nervous about scoring or not scoring.
- what is it Ray? - Are we, have we... - you want a little something Ray? - you know how it is phroggy - i do Ray, i do.
7. I have to pop out for Ray. I make a phone call, Ray gave me the numbers, he was twitching and trying to hold it together. I needed to pick the stuff up, these folks were definitely not in the courier business.
8. It took me a good hour to even find the place in the van. I know the outlying country pretty well but this house was hidden like a prick at a wedding. Several calls later I pulled into the drive. I was just relieved to get there. The door opened, I stepped in and came face to face with Troy, the group leader from the meeting. Now I'm confused. Has Ray just fucked me over or has he just given me the wrong number. Either way he's pissed. -Who the fuck did I think I was bustin' his gig like that? - These people mean alot to him - People like me give people like them a bad name - So I guess you're here to buy some coke?
9. Whoah there Leslie. Two large men appear from nowhere. Troy continues. I guess you're here to buy alot of coke since you busted in and walked off with most of my customers a little earlier? Man as far as I could make out it was an introductory Alpha Course meeting that needed spicing up, I didn't know you was working a different kinda magic. - You don't look particulary stupid to me, so I'll let it go this time.
10. I get back to the party to find Ray powerhosing the chalet with vomit(I didn't think you could shotgun a winebox but apparently you can.) Two of the others were BBQing swan on the veranda that over looks the lake and the hookers look to have drunk the entire contents of the minibar.
11. The bill has come to £4158, £2800 in room repairs alone. I am a quid down on the day and I'm an Alpha Course Recruiter for a local christian drug baron. Weekends don't get much better than this. Fantastic.
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