You-Robot

1. I haven't had a cold for four years and now I get two in two months. How do kids survive? McToe had a cold for about a year when J was born. I am told newly qualified teachers are ill constantly but I suspect that's something to do with all the booze, bad diet and smokey environments like classrooms.

2. My new PC arrives on friday. I could have got one from a build your own site recommended to me but, no, support your local trader I say, and so Daniel from Pisces Computing is sorting me out. I wonder if he is a pisces? It's a bit of a giveaway as a businessman to tell everyone your starsign isn't it.

3. The summer blockbuster is dead. If you don't believe me look here It's certainly put me off I-Robot.

4. Manhunt, murder, fuck up. The story of the "Manhunt" murder case took another twist with the revelation that the game was present in the victim's home, not the killer's. As for the link between Manhunt and the crime, the police are clear. Pooni said: "We haven't connected the game with the murder and we've already made that statement, but some sections of the media (The Daily Mail) chose to ignore it.the motive was robbery." Thanks Sue Magoo.

5. It was inevitable wasn't it? I had to have a rant against the Daily Mail at some point but I will restrain myself and simply say the following: Although all newspapers are full of lies, distortions, half truths and propaganda, the Daily Mail is a chop job of everyone else's news garnished with a carefree sloppiness and misinformed paranoic view on the world designed to spread fear and mistrust amongst the middle classes. You wouldn't actually believe a politician is he came out with some of the diaohrreah they print, so why believe what you read? Go buy a decent paper or magazine like Club International and take your mind off the imminent terrorist disaster we are all facing for a few hours.

6. You will have noticed I am writing in green. I have a green pen at home and it smells of melon. It is very calming. Tip for all prospective writers, use smelly pens.

7. Tarquin was quite right, Aubrey Strawberry is absolutely incapable of expressing an argument. I don't think he is mentally deficient, it's just that no-one has taught him to use his brain and his tongue simultaneously. His nonsense isn't even good nonsense it's just boring.

8. It is possible that I have uncovered the existence of some shady cult activity in my small town. I can forsee a few weeks of infiltration, stealth, surveillance and eating donuts. Will keep you posted.

9. My plan to separate my sleepy town from England has suffered another blow. Don't pay your henchmen peanuts

10 Apparently it costs £600 to get a licence to run a radio station. Bung in another grand and I think you have a promising little enterprise there. I'm sure S.E.R Beard, the comb over king of high street electrical retailers, will be taking out some serious peak airtime ads.